I Thought I Was A Monster
I Once Thought I Was A Monster
So the other day I glamorized a bunch of photos and it made me think of a lot of things. One, how much I thought I was ugly growing up. I was constantly told I was. I was fat and my hair was shaved off like a boy. Over time I developed what could only be termed as debilitating insecurity. I was so ashamed of myself and everything about me that over time I began to hide out in my home to avoid public ridicule. I was convinced I was a monster. Then a few years ago someone told me I was beautiful. I do not know what that crazy man saw, but he fell in love with me. That made me fall in love with me too. Now, I blatantly blast my face all over the Internet with pride. I realize now that most of Hollywood and the women we admire on tv are all using glamour techniques and filters too!!! So what makes them any better than me? NOTHING. NADA! I realized that I was just as deserving of love, respect and appreciation as the next person.
Several years ago, when the Seahawks won their first Super Bowl, they asked Russell Wilson what made him believe in himself so much. He said well I saw other Quarterbacks winning Super Bowls and I said to myself "Why not me?" Why not me? I ask myself that question whenever I start to doubt myself or feel like an impostor. Why not me?
I was suddenly struck with the reality that if someone believes they are a monster, they will begin to behave like a monster. The way I viewed myself and my life was bleak and dismal. I saw no escape from the personal hell I had created. That's the way it is with low self esteem issues. It is a shame that so many of us suffer with low self esteem. So many people are living well below their potential. So many people settle for abusive relationships or relationships with cheaters or liars because they believe they do not deserve any better. I watch the Steve Wilkos Show and Maury often. (My secret sins). One of the things that strikes me about their guests are how many of them are willing to accept so much abuse from their abusive partners. Even once the cheater is exposed, these women will usually return in months with more tales of abuse. Why did they stay. Is it because they believed that is the best they could attain in life? Was it because they did not believe they were worthy of more?
Once a person makes up their mind that they are ready for something more, they will automatically attract the very circumstances to them that brings change and improvement into their lives. It is amazing how absolute this works. It has been proven that a person can change their life if they learn how to first ENVISION and then ENACT that change. I was able to make drastic changes to my life and my appearance because of this reason. I have reinvented myself time and time again now. I have recreated myself so many times that I forgot my old mindset that held me stuck in the past.
When I awakened from the mental and emotional nightmare I had created, I was appalled to find that I had ballooned to more than 500 lbs. My life consisted of using a walker to move from the recliner to the toilet and back again. How could I have allowed myself to get up to over 500 pounds!!? What had I been thinking? I realized after awakening from a majorly MASSIVE Reese's Peanut Butter Cup binge, that I had been thinking nothing for years. I was simply surviving. Unthinking. I only cared about my daughter and my survival. Too many of us live this way and I fight slipping back into that self-induced coma state every single day. However, I have willed myself to become more than I was before and I work on improving every single day.
I know now that I am not a Monster. I know now that I am deserving of so much more in my life than what I settled for with my crackhead ex-husband or my ex-convict ex-boyfriend. It took a debilitating injury that put me in a wheelchair for more than seven years, to wake me up. I had to take time to reexamine my life. I realized I wanted to live. I did not want to waste away in that wheelchair. I still had dreams inside of me. It took several leaps of faith, and I learned to believe in myself and in my future. I met a wonderful man who is now a faithful husband. I learned to love me and to fight for me. Now, even though I am in my 50's, I work out every single day for at least 30 minutes a day. I avoid bad foods that could prove harmful to me. I avoid toxic people and concentrate only on those who I love and trust. I realized that I was not a monster, but a queen with the same potential for a successful life as any other person on this earth. I learned how to love me.
About The Author: Adrienne Igo has more than 20 years in the Recruitment Industry, she runs several small online businesses and is an online social and digital media consultant. Adrienne Igo once was 500 pounds and spent more than 7 years in a wheelchair before beginning a personal weight loss journey in 2013. She went from a size 54 dress to a size 12. She currently has over 500 dance and motivational videos on YouTube.
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